Ask The Church to Explain This

1.  I quote the 'Holy' Bible (as you Christians love quoting this book) 
 Mathew 10:34-38 :
 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.

2.   And then, 
Luke 14:26
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.”

3.   And now I would like to post one of my favourite memes from (

4. Jesus never even existed, the Christians stole all their fundamentals from the pagans and the Bible is misinterpreted astronomy. Here’s my evidence and source.


5. I now quote Encyclopedia Dramatica ( which quotes and interprets the Bible in the obvious sense:

However, fucking pies is still fair game. As is, apparently, consensual sex in the missionary position:

§  Song 2:3: "Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste."

§  Song 4:16: "Awake, O north wind, and come, wind of the south; make my garden breathe out fragrance. Let its spices be wafted abroad. May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits!"

Giving your woman a hand-job is perfectly fine

§  Song 2:6: "His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me." [some great lulz to be had with that coy mistranslation]

So is performing cunnilingus all night long

§  Song 2:16-17: "My lover is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies until the day breaks, and the shadows flee."

DFK - no worries!

§  Song 4:11: "Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride.; milk and honey are under your tongue."

And sniffing poontang

§  Song 4:15-16: "[He]: You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water ..." / [She]: "Awake north wind! Blow on my garden that its fragrance may spread abroad."And generally getting it on

§  Song 5:4-5: "My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I rose up to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, and my fingers flowing with myrrh on the handles of the bolt."

Oh yes, they explain this stuff away with lulzworthy material such as: "to find the key for unlocking the Song, interpreters have looked to prophetic, wisdom and apocalyptic passages of scripture", and: "the Song is an allegory of the relationship between God and Israel, or between Christ and The Church". Anything, it seems, other than the perfectly obvious: "The Song of Songs" in the Bible is about fucking.